


Chronicles of the Swag-Squad2k16

by Dokusa



Category: No Fandom
Genre: I just edit, Multi, No fandom unless you count reality, Other, This was just a fun thing i swear, buckle your goddamn seatbelt, dont take seriously or otherwise you will find yourself lost, helpful advice:, keep track of all loose articles, keep your arms in legs inside vehicle at all times, oh god where to start, watch your sexual identity its running away, written by FlipperSolomon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-17 14:02:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5873161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dokusa/pseuds/Dokusa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why should you step into this story?<br/>Here, your identity becomes a lie; your perspective is a mist; your reality is not real.</p>
<p>Also there's an irradiated unicorn set to demolish all established social constructs that have riddled and oppressed the people of the world with its conservative, big-brother thumb. Oh, and Weregay's here too.</p>
<p>So is there a better reason than to try?</p>
<p>-Original story written by FlipperSolomon; based on actual people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FlipperSolomon and the SwagSquad2k16 of the Neo-Millenia Education center](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=FlipperSolomon+and+the+SwagSquad2k16+of+the+Neo-Millenia+Education+center).



> This was a fun story written by a friend and dedicated to our friends behind the fourth wall.  
> It was written not by me and has been based on real people with real lives and real toasters.  
> The original creation of the story taking form in a legible script was not in anyway manipulated by my choices or direction.  
> Just to be clear: I AM NOT THE WRITER, FLIPPERSOLOMON IS. I only break the really long blocks. 
> 
> Also I make a mean omelet.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome, foolish mortals.

  
     By day, the lives of our heroes do not matter. By the slightly darker day, which is the lens of my beautiful mind, they are a ragtag group that use useless superpowers, thinly veiled innuendo, and 4th wall breaks to save their world and astonish ours. They are… Swag Squad 2016.

  
     It was the Worst of Times, and it was still pretty bad. At the start of twenty-sixteen, the Trumpanator had begun gathering far too much power, Hilbot 2.0’s programming was near completion, Horned Jen reign of incompetence stretched on, and Belt-Buckle McStabby continued his crusade of castration.                                    We the people were teetering, balanced between War & Peace, but the Scales were tipping. Nature, however, seeks a balance, and Salvation came to hand: Muslims and Mexicans were offended, Christians and Jews prayed to their god, and atheists renewed their passports. 

     While Canada offered asylum to those fleeing the terror of Trump, Cruz, Hornby, and Carson, another Salvation came domestically: kissed by a drag queen, the shining racial grayness of Weregay came forth a palpable median of sexuality, gender, and race. Rising like Aphrodite from the sea-foams of the East, Inverted Shellfish was a mass of pasty and pale muscle with a consistency similar to that of Oobleck, with an indestructible core of steely armor at its center. In the face of adversity, the love between a majestic bald eagle and a mundane chicken manifested in Is Chicken, the most notorious sentient cross-fowl hybrid1. Etherime, a simple nereek2 with Ethernet cables and an anime addiction, sought to use his powers of circumventing security protocols to stream anime and limited understanding of the Japanese language solely for whatever good could come from them. 

     No team, however, is complete without their own George Peppard, in this case majestic Irradiated Unicorn.  
The irradiated Unicorn. Exposed to high amounts of radiation at birth, she developed the ability to absorb and release radiation. It came at a high price, though, because Irradiated unicorn’s hair had fallen out, but more fabulous hair replaced it, always fabulous hair, that changed with an alarming frequency. To the point where even close friends might not recognize her one day to the next. Together, these unlikely and frivolous heroes will fight, and hopefully overcome, equally vaudevillian (but sadly more realistic) villians.  
Guided by Mr. Ron Ford, Mercieca Pet, and Unidad, our heroes set out to mock the incompetent, belittle the ignorant, and overally support a generally leftist “agenda”.


	2. A Civil Dispute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's short.

“I was born this way!”

  
“Get out of my house, Unicorn scum!” screamed her mother.

  
     Her father sat weeping over the loss of his daughter. The radiation, he thought, has made her into a unicorn. The insidious radiation, to which she had been born, was her corruptor in his eyes. Even the bitter tears he shed offered no purgatory or salvation; they did not leech the radiation from her body, or reverse the unicornality he was sure it had caused. He did not understand unicorns; he was remarkably uneducated in that field.

     It was her birthright, she knew, not some mutation inflicted on her by a circumstance. Her radiation was a blessing, her unicornality a part of her. She had to be who she was, and damn the haters.

  
“May Jesus have mercy on your soul,” were the last words her mother said, as her religious fever completely overcame her. She turned her own daughter out, and her farewell was a blessing and a curse.

     Irradiated Unicorn, then still known as Sera, replied verbatim, spitting the zealous bit of compassion handed to the masses of the fearful for use in their bigotry, to give it a more palatable flavor, back at her mother, permanently severing whatever bonds there were between them.  
     Expelled from home, unwelcome with her family, Sera adopted Nature as her Mother. More caring than any Lord, Gaia welcomed her as she was; she embraced and cared for Sera.   
     The aloof god of her parents, their Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, was just that. A lord. He held himself apart, sequestered to whatever ethereal kingdom he ruled. From there, he handed down commands through time itself, holding himself out of all human affairs. Disowning her parents and their Lord the way they had disowned her, she turned to Mother Nature and Father Time. The Sandman was her brother, Luck her best friend. Irradiated unicorn, in newfound state and situation, went, her new family attending her when necessary, her own way as her own self.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if your Christian. Please be reminded that butthurt identities who act out uncivilized with be escorted out of the theater.


	3. The Path to Purrdition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here you will begin to understand the true scope of arbitrary conduction that FlipperSolomon possesses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware that any "misspells", "incorrect grammar slips", or "'Hey that's fucking weird!'s" are intentional. If you are unable to follow...

     Weregay was at da Club. S/He was normally at the club; it only matters that s/he was there today. The full moon approached, and this was the safest place during that turbulent time.                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Club Purrdition was the most mixed club in Vantshill, making it perfect for Weregay (and drunk white girls experimenting with their sexuality in an inebriated stupor). Of course there was a built in Starbucks, for those of them without fake ID’s.  
     

     Sera, as she was still known to some, had taken the shame she had, grown it into pride, the bane that expelled her, she transfigured to a blessing. From here, she fashioned a moniker, a new name to wear with pride, from what had once been grievous insults and slurs, thrown at her from even those she held most dear. Even with her liberation, she still lacked purpose and friends. A new family she had found, but the entire reconstruction of her social network was sadly incomplete.      To find friends, people to help her (she still felt the loss) through the times. 

     Irradiated Unicorn headed towards a liberal bastion- Purrdition. Irradiated unicorn had heard rumors: Aphrodite was the proprietor; bears, angels, homosexuals and unicorns were frequent visitors; cats infested the club, offering their services to those they found worthy.

     Irradiated Unicorn hoped that, despite her irradiation, her own people would be more accepting than her phobic parents.  
Following her own road, irradiated Unicorn was on the path to Purrdition:

  
_A step_  
_Then Another_  
_Symbolism_  
_Life is a journey_  
_Literary devices_

_Walking the road less traveled_  
_Feet be not proud_  
_Callouses are easy obtained_

_Quoth the Shellfish:_  
_“I’m intimidated by dicks._  
_Poems are great_  
_But not always funny_  
_So F@$* this S#!%_  
_Let’s Get back to the Story”_

  
     Irradiated Unicorn arrived at Purrdition like a lesbechaun at a rainbow (she was finally were she was meant to be). Finding the most wretched hive of scum and villainy herself at the entrance to an enclave of her resgor (race ethnicity sexuality gender other religion).

  
     Coming to the entrance, a bouncer inoculated her against Glitterlung. Then, irradiated Unicorn made an entrance that was legen- _wait for it_ -dary!

**_*Pardon the interruption*_ **

_**And now a word from our fake sponsors:** _  
_**Are you old? Like really, really old? Are you a horny goat? If you answered yes, get Viagra. Viagra, for when your failing brain thinks your failing heart can handle an erection.** _

  
_**Has a loved one of yours experienced heart failure or stroke due to Viagra? Has your daughter, wife or sister been raped by grandpa? If the former, call Sue M. Dunn, a mediocre lawyer for the mildly incompetent.** _

  
_**Call Cutti & Shaker Cardiac surgeons today. We’ll give you the gorilla heart you need to keep that boner raging through your 90’s.** _

  
_**And now, back to our story:** _

“Holy Shit-bricks, Batman!”

  
“Can it, Dick.”

  
     The entire room had slowed for a brief moment when irradiated unicorn entered, and the palpable dampening of the atmosphere was broken by that exclamation. The pause lasted only a matter of seconds, was not hostile, and quickly forgotten. Sergei dropped the base, and things swung full again.                     Irradiated unicorn went to the bar and ordered coke. When the bartista returned with white powder and a straw, our heroin was hesitant.

“You gonna hit that?” came a question from the left. 

     Irradiated Unicorn’s mane rippled as her head came to bear on the body that voice inhabited. Weregay’s fabulous visage was there, and the breathtaking art that was his features astonished her so much she was momentarily speechless.

Refinding her voice, she squeaked out a confused “What?”

Weregay looked askance at irradiated Unicorn, then said, “You’re new here, aren’t you.”

“Yeah, I uh, just walked through the door.”

“Let me show you the g-strings. I am Weregay, the perfect median of sexuality, gender, romance, and race; Alpha and Omega, beginning and end. This is Purrdition, a glittery and gaudy love-nest of hell with nine nein cats. We all love someone here, and with enough liquor they may love you back. @sirab, give me a Venti triple mocha java Frappuccino, two shots mint julip, easy on the whip, and a Venti java latte with pecans and double chipotle chips for- what’s your name?”

A little flustered, irradiated Unicorn responded, “Se- Uni. Irradiated Unicorn, but Uni for short.”

“And a Venti java latte with pecans and double chipotle chips for Uni.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... I suggest you educate yourself at the University of Tumblr.


	4. The Tide Rises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Sh*t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shor-

In the far north, a Mitt Romney spent his lonely nights with a warm milk. From the beating sea outside his 112th secluded chateau, a less conventionally majestic sight came from the shore. A tidal wave crashed, breaking on the rocky shoals, and the frothing foam fell around the Inverted Shellfish. Sunlight briefly burst through the clouds, glittering on the quivering gelatinous mass of muscle bared to the world. Mot a round, slim, polished phantom like most others, the inverted shellfish proves real shellfish have curves.

Finally having made its way to Murica, this beautiful, shining child of the sea made for the flashpoints that would ignite the power of the supervillains bent on continental domination!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -tter than the person who bases Inverted Shellfish.


	5. Lesbian Unicorns Assemble a Task Force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> giggle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have fun keeping track of the speakers :)

**Horn Communication Activate:**

  
JESSICA: “We need a plan to deal with the Trumpanator.”

MEGAN: “We should make some kind of… task force.”

CARL: “Yeah, they could-”

JESSICA: “Shut up, Carl”

FORKLIFT: “Purrdition at will we them find.”

SWAGFORD: “Yeah, I’m there right now. Eyes on some possibilities.”

CARL: “Why’re-”

FORKLIFT: “Shut it, Carl!”

MEGAN: “Who are you looking at?”

CARL: “I-”

MEGAN: “Shush Carl!”

CARL: “For Saint Whisker’s Sake, I’m trying to volunteer my cousin. He is just useless enough to be useful.”

JESSICA: “Fine. What can this cousin do?”

CARL: “He can circumvent firewalls to stream anime, speak less than fluent Japanese.”

FORKLIFT: “All that is?”

CARL: “Yes.”

MEGAN: “Why would we need those skills?”

BUTCHY: “You never know. You probably won’t, but you never know.”

SWAGFORD: “I say we let him. Hey, where’ve you been, Butch?”

BUTCHY: “Hardware Shopping. I needed rivets to repair my bed, and my horniness is simultaneously aroused and dampened by Lowe’s. Lowe’s, because fuck the Home Depot.”

SWAGFORD: *meowing*

JESSICA: “Is that Clary. Awwwww. Meow, MEeow. Who’s a good kitty?”

SWAGFORD: *meowing*

BUTCHY: “Do you guys like this flannel shirt?”

ANGELA: “You look great, Doll.”

SWAGFORD: “Angie!”

CARL: “Weren’t-”

ANGELA: “Who invited Carl?!”

CARL: “Task-”

MEGAN: “NOPE”

CARL: “-FORCE”

MEGAN: “Goddammit Carl!”


	6. Texts from a Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck this was hard to discern.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF you haven't figured by now, Irradiated Unicorn is called Uni for short, and her name's capitalization is contsantly shifting to symbolize her shifting identity.
> 
> There are many references and symbolism hidden in the chronicles.

Uni’s phone buzzed. Looking down, she didn’t recognize the number.

  
_Have the male strippers arrived yet?_  
                                                                                                                                  _**I am a Lesbian and a unicorn, excuse you!!!!!**_  
_Sry, wrong number. While I got you here, I have some girls too._  
_Just $50 an hour +tips_  
**_no_**  
_Ugly for ten_

  
***this number has blocked you***

  
***buzz buzz***

 _Come to Hotel Amore on the Piazza de Gaius immediately._  
**_Who r u?_**  
_Cum find out_  
**_Eeewwww no!!!!_**  
_Not like that. Cum meet me IRL._  
                                                                                                                                                ** _I AM NOT A FUCKING PROSTITUTE!!!!!!_**  
_Hotel Amore, or I destroy a fashionable flannel_  
_that could be yours for just $0.69 + $666 BDSM._

  
“Do you know the Hotel Amore?” irradiated Unicorn inquired of Weregay.

  
“Very well,” s/he said, “very, very well.”

  
“I need to get there. Fast!”

  
“How fast?”

  
A surge of sass coupled with her desperation.                                                                                                                                                                            “Faster than a virgin in a cheerleader,” she said, staring into Weregay’s eyes.

  
“I have a car. Let’s go,” Weregay replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you find them all?


	7. Unicorns, Hotel Rooms, and Sweet Sweet Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here is the cherry of the sundae; the harvest of the fields; the threshold of purchased satisfaction.  
> Here is the reason for the Explicit rating.

     Arriving at Piazza de Gaius in Weregay’s retrofitted Yugo, irradiated unicorn was struck by the sheer amount of gigolos.

Seeing her awe, Weregay supplied an answer. “All the women- HE IS FUCKING HOT!”

  
     A beam of moonlight had fallen on the apple of Weregay’s eye. When irradiated unicorn looked up, she beheld a rotund Italian man, wearing a red bodysuit of spandex under nebulous overalls, which still did very little to conceal the bulge of his erect penis. Red caps were on, it could be expected, both his heads.

     As this vision was being beheld, a large, half naked black man with white angel wings came from the darkness. Straddling his waste was a fanny pack full of condoms. Pulling out a handful, his low, quiet, and airily mellifluous voice reached their ears.

“Stay safe out there,” he said as he faded back into the queer darkness.

Weregay sat there, his lap full of meatball and marinara flavored condoms in his lap. Manic lunacy was in his eyes; he salivated as if the plump, juicy cock of his newfound paramour was the only water pump for miles, and he was severely dehydrated.

Irradiated Unicorn physically shook Weregay from his nymphomaniacal reverie, insisting “Hotel Amore?! Where is it?! I NEED THAT FLANNEL!”

“Okay, OKAY. Your horn is in my face, Uni.”

“Your horn is on my lips, Weregay.”

Weregay was humiliated. In his sexual frenzy, his phallus had exponentially expanded. The frozen midgets of Yugosotia may have been fine with such cramped quarters, full sized irradiated Unicorns and a Weregay in heat had not been in mind for that design; as such, the current situation was less than ideal.

     Scrambling from the car, Uni and Weregay reached Hotel Amore on foot. It was a low slung building, and when they approached a woman came walking out befuddled and confused, her gait irregular, her head hung in shame. The building itself was plastered with posters, most of which were covered by graffiti. Neon signs hung half lit from grimy poles, as did the burlesque girls and boys they depicted. Entering the establishment, a Bear with a beer belly looked up. Weregay’s arousal had lessened, making his fabulosity less evident.

The beer-bellied bouncer beheld them, and growled, “I guess you’ll be wanting a girl, maybe two.”

“Take your heteronormativity and shove it up your ass!” Weregay snapped back. The bouncer was taken aback, and the salty savagery of Weregay’s sassy reply stunned him enough he gave them no further trouble.

**A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS**

  
**_Heteronormativity- when you’re progressive enough to shake hands with black people, but you hope to hell they’re straight._ **   
**_“FUCKITY FUCK FUCK YOU, HETERONORMATIVITY”_ **

**_-Social Justice Warriors_ **

  
**And we’re back**

  
Weregay and irradiated Unicorn were walking away when the bouncer began, “Ouch! Lot of bark-,”

Weregay didn’t even have to stop or turn, his aura simply concentrated.

“-have a happy ending,” the bouncer finished.

     Passing the bouncer’s anteroom, Irradiated unicorn and Weregay entered what could only be the atrium of the Hotel Amore. Greeted at their ingress by men and women that chosen the noblest profession of their own free will (as much as anyone can choose anything, especially a job, of their own free will), despite the stigma associated with it. They were perfectly and entirely happy and secure with their employment and lifestyle. An abnormally high, flat ceiling was above them, and many very slender columns were placed around the room. There were curtained niches lining the walls, and hallways leading to private rooms in the back of the atrium, as well as about halfway down its length.

“Dammit!” Weregay exclaimed.

“What?” asked irradiated Unicorn.

“She knows we can’t-”

“She?” interrupted irradiated Unicorn, quite hopefully.

“Yes,” Weregay replied, “she. If I am correct, it was the CoLU that brought us here. While we were at Purrdition, my fashion sense tingled-”

“Ewwww! T-M-I!”

“-the way it does when rainbowhorn telepathy is being used. Naturally, I was suspicious when the text for you to come here came. Dim and airy, decently populated, colored lighting, exorbitant amounts of glitter: it is the perfect place for a unicorn to hide.”

“We need to find her,” irradiated Unicorn desperately pleaded.

“She may find us. That-,” as Weregay spoke, a crab scuttled by and stopped in front of them. It was curious that a crab would be here. This crab, however, had a sense of intelligent purpose about it. Irradiated unicorn and Weregay looked at the crab, and it seemed to look back at them, scanning them for some feature.      

Then, the little crab spoke in perfectly fluent English, saying “Hello, my name is Squideisha. I am the Harbinger of your fates, Lardy of Tidepool, PhD. I also birdwatch. Come with me.”

Well, our heroes were slightly dazed by the talking crab- because that is the weird thing here- and didn’t move immediately. Squideisha turned around. “Come on,” it said, “follow me.”

 

**-Commercial Break-**

**_Hotel Amore. Get a room!_ **

**–Commercial Break-**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just kidding that's in later chapters.

**Author's Note:**

> Tissues are on your left and therapists for any confused and slightly hormonal children will be provided as you exit.


End file.
